Inner Dwelling: An Analysis of Shi Yuan and Gu Qingyu’s Marriage from the Perspective of Psychology: Attachment Style is the “Curse”

2022-06-23 0 By

In psychology, adult attachment patterns can be divided into three types: secure attachment, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.Of course, some people call it four, because there are a small number of people who exhibit a mixture of the two, known as anxious and avoidant attachment (also known as disordered attachment).I couldn’t help but think of this attachment theory when I saw the state of Shi Yuan and Gu Qingyu after they got married while watching the TV drama Heart Home.It can be said that both of them have very typical characteristics of avoidant attachment style in their attitudes and ways of dealing with problems when facing intimate relationship.What are the characteristics of avoidant attachment style?The most common manifestation of avoidant attachment style is that people will distance themselves from each other in intimate relationship and keep a certain distance from their lover. Even if they are in love, they often feel lonely and unable to devote themselves fully to and enjoy love., of course, this is just a comparison summary and general, specific to each person, they will also have a variety of different reflected, such as total think they don’t deserve each other, not willing to let the other side too rely on their own, better to think of the past often love breeds discontent about existing relationship, find a partner there are a lot of shortcomings, encounter problems will want to escape, and so on.We often see such a life of husband and wife, husband for his wife to get something done or some things and not happy, the wife also perceive the husband not happy, want to communicate to resolve the problem, but each time the wife asked her husband, her husband refused to tell the truth, this will let his wife feel very helpless and collapse.The husband’s attachment style is avoidant attachment.It can be difficult to have an avoidant attachment partner in a marriage.So let’s think about what happens to a marriage if both people have avoidant attachment patterns.Two people with avoidant attachments.Gu Qingyu and Shi Yuan are two people of avoidant attachment.Shi Yuan’s performance may be more obvious, he insisted on signing a property agreement with Gu Qingyu before marriage, his mother was seriously ill, he would rather let his mother endure the torture of illness is not willing to use his wife’s money to do surgery for his mother, he hid his wife to sell the piano to gather medical expenses, his wife know after he also blamed his wife to intervene in his things…This, it seems, is his ego at work, but in fact, it’s his avoidant attachment style.He felt that he was unworthy of his wife, and kept a distance and a boundary with his wife psychologically, which led to his inability to enjoy and manage this marriage, and his inability to accept his wife’s help to advance hand in hand.When we look at Gu Qingyu, it seems that all the problems in this marriage are from shi Yuan and Gu qingyu is just passively accepting them. But in fact, if she is not a person with avoidant attachment style, she could have other solutions.Take, for example, the fact that she lost her job because of Shiyuan. When shiyuan walked in the door, she pretended that nothing was wrong, and when shiyuan tried to explain, she blocked him. This is typical of avoidant attachment.She could have heard him out first.In fact, Gu Qingyu in the face of all the problems related to shiyuan, are such an attitude, she knew that Shiyuan pretended to take the group to other places, in fact, did not go, she did not go to him to ask, but hold in his heart pretending not to know;She saw shi Yuan do emcee video, the in the mind is not happy, but will only beat him around the bush.That’s the way they are. They don’t deal with everything in front of them, but one sidesteps, the other tests, one lies, the other suspects.That’s the problem when two people with avoidant attachment styles get together, and it can seem twisted and oppressive to us, but they can also feel the same way.So the marriage of Shi Yuan and Gu Qingyu has become such an outcome, after all, their attachment style is the “curse”.What kind of partner does an avoidant attachment style fit?We have seen, shi Yuan and Gu Qingyu these two people, in the final analysis is not suitable for together.In other words, two people with the same avoidant attachment style are not good candidates for intimacy.So what kind of partner does an avoidant attachment style look for?Secure attachment style, of course.In fact, for any type of attachment, choosing a partner with secure attachment is the most appropriate.Because people of secure attachment style, his emotions will be more stable, it is easy to put into and enjoy their intimate relationship, encounter problems will open street address, he would look after marriage, the feelings of love as their own responsibility, get along with such a person, you will have a very comfortable, even be cured.This is why, when Gu Qingyu is with Zhan Xiang, people will feel more relaxed and happier. Zhan Xiang is a person with a secure attachment style.But we need to understand that a person’s attachment style is not set in stone.It can sometimes change depending on relationship experiences, marital setbacks, etc., so it’s not just that you find a partner with a secure attachment style and your marriage will be all right. Happiness has to be worked on.For example, a wife with secure attachment and a husband with avoidant attachment, if every time there is a conflict, the husband hides and refuses to communicate with his wife, then over time, the wife is likely to become completely disappointed with her husband and will not communicate with her husband in the future when there are problems.This is where the wife becomes an avoidant attachment model due to the influence of her husband.Therefore, if you are an avoidant attachment person, in addition to finding a suitable partner to heal you, you should also consciously make changes in your relationship to make your marriage more comfortable and happier.How do avoidant attachment people manage their marriages better?Although we can use attachment theory to analyze other people’s marriage problems, the root causes of conflicts and so on, and also reach a conclusion about what kind of partner is more suitable for you within the theoretical scope, in practical life, it is far from as easy and convenient as theoretical analysis.There’s no way to guarantee that we’ll find a partner with a secure attachment style, or that our marriage will work, so it’s up to us to manage our happiness.For people with avoidant attachment style, you should constantly remind yourself to pay attention to your partner’s emotions when you are working on your marriage, to address problems head-on, and to minimize avoidance, cold violence, and shifting the responsibility to your partner.Whenever you feel dissatisfied with your marriage, want to distance yourself from your partner, or feel intolerant of your partner’s flaws, try telling yourself that your attachment mechanism is activated.If you don’t get over it, you’ll continue to do so even when you end your marriage and move into another intimate relationship.Just think, if shi Yuan and Gu Qingyu in their marriage, one of them first realized their problems and took the initiative to change, Shi Yuan did not deliberately draw a line or Gu Qingyu did not carefully hide the problems, they do not necessarily need to divorce, but have the possibility to change in a good direction.So if you recognize that your attachment pattern is avoidant, there’s no need to be pessimistic. The fear is that we don’t find our problem, and when we do, there’s a way to deal with it.As long as you consciously recognize and overcome your avoidance mechanisms, you can still have a happy marriage.About the author: Love each other, a woman who likes reading and writing, focuses on the creation of articles in the field of emotion as well as the analysis and solution of emotional problems. I hope my words can accompany you warm forward.