My uncle has helped my family a lot, but I hate him very much
Reader’s Question: Hello general, my question is how to get along with uncle?Of all my relatives, my uncles are my least favorite. They are more or less like my mother, preachy, pretentious, self-righteous, contemptuous of me and fond of my sister. Therefore, I am the least willing to go to their home.In recent years, because of a variety of things, my family and a uncle’s family contact is very close, exaggeration is not you and I, good to live opposite the door.My uncle regards our family’s affairs as his own and cares very much. The frequent contact between the two families makes me feel invaded.I was very angry at my father for asking my uncle to do something that should have been his.My uncle’s moralizing made me feel sick all over, but I could not give vent to it. Sometimes I was disgusted by his inquisitiveness;My aunt’s concern made me uneasy.My mother often said, “There is no one like your uncle to treat us so sincerely, you should be filial to your uncle and aunt (because his son is not good enough)”, which made my heart very heavy.My attitude towards uncle and aunt is a little cold, do not want to see, every time my mother would say “I do not know what your uncle offended you”, to criticize me, that I am not grateful is a Wolf, the more my mother scolded me, the more I hate their family.I used to work in other places. Last year, my uncle helped me transfer back to local work and lived opposite my uncle’s house. My mother asked me to go there often.Actually, I know the problem is my mother. I can’t accept another person like my mother. Just one is enough.I sometimes think my mother is right, I should not treat my uncle this way, but I can not let go of my psychological baggage for a while, what should I do?General A: Your psychological analysis of yourself has been very accurate, you did transfer some of the dissatisfaction of your mother to your uncle’s family.Further, you’re projecting a distaste for these traits — “preachy, patronizing, self-righteous, and looking down on me” — onto people with these traits.But these traits, or people like them, are hard to change, and changing them shouldn’t be your task.The best case scenario, of course, is that you hate them and they treat you badly, or they are not your closest friends and you can take the initiative to stay away from them.This is exactly the problem. You hate that you want to stay away from them, but they are close to you and treat you well, help you, provide for you, have blood relatives, and you can’t distance yourself.This leads to a cognitive imbalance, where people you don’t like treat you well, show kindness to you, and even you can’t live without them. You know you should be close to and grateful for them, but deep down you feel this betrays your true emotional feelings.This cognitive imbalance is very common. For example, many people may dislike or even dislike something about their partner, but they may also really like something about them.Disliking a trait in someone is a real feeling, and liking to be around them is also a real feeling.These two feelings are contradictory, but they are both real, and such is the complexity of human emotions.The real source of your pain is not accepting the coexistence of these two contradictory feelings, believing that your feelings for someone should be absolutely holistic.In other words, you have to accept your uncle’s family’s complex and conflicting feelings, and then your baggage will be released.You don’t have to deny your specific feelings or try to harmonize them.You don’t like his preaching is not like, don’t feel that you should like;You accept my uncle’s help in transferring your job and my aunt’s concern, and when you move your gratitude, please seriously experience the feeling of the moment.As for the specific solution, your question reminds me of my first boss when I first started working, and I have written about our relationship.I really hated her with all my heart, even when I was learning from her and seeing the best in her at work. The pain is similar to yours, of having to work with her and even benefit from her at the same time.This experience of “betraying” my true feelings made me very conflicted. After a period of time, I found a suitable way to deal with her. I regarded the relationship with her as the nature of work rather than interpersonal relationship.”Work nature” means it’s more about a factual task, like when I write a powerpoint or do a project, it doesn’t involve a lot of real emotion;And “interpersonal nature” does make it easy to connect to the emotional dimension.This method is really work at that time, I said to myself, she is my upgrade now have a XiangZi task, you can try, go to my uncle home is a task, you don’t need so many emotions to complete the task, so to redefine the “home” in this matter, you will release in emotion.Why do I keep insisting that this is the way it was done “at the time”?Because I really don’t think about it that way anymore. Ten years on, I am more and more aware of the complex contradictions of human emotions, and of course because I come into contact with more and more people and things that are contradictory and confusing but also real.I love it and HATE it, I have to get close and I want to get away from it, I’m not just talking about someone, it’s life itself, I love life but I also hate life’s censure, I have to go into close life, I also want to get away from its cruelty.When I accept life as it is, when I gradually accept the complexity of human emotions, I feel more relieved and no longer have to deal with it, adapt to it, or even worry about it.There is no way to teach this kind of liberation, and you will have your successful practice one day.General Guo, master of Psychology from Beijing Normal University, national second-class psychological consultant, popular author of Han Han, the author of books “You are still a stranger to Yourself”, “The world prefers self-healing and self-happy You”.